We left the gender reveal party dreaming about our little Adeline. That night, Lawson had to make his way back to St. Louis for his work trip and my parents stayed in town for an additional day. I had the appointment to meet the specialist in the morning and I was trying to keep my mind off of it so I started looking up baby stuff.

I was laying on the couch looking up cribs and I felt this fluttering bubble in my stomach. I thought, that was weird. Then I felt this huge kick! It freaked me out so much that I started screaming! My mom was like “WHAT?!?” I was like “Adeline just kicked me!” I called Lawson and told him and we were both freaking out! It was the first time that I had felt our baby move!

The morning came and my parents left and I headed to the specialist office. I sat in the waiting room and filled out my paperwork thinking this has to be a mistake. Adeline was in the wrong position and she moved last night and everything is fine. They called me into the ultrasound room. It was cold and dark. The tech started taking pictures. There was a screen on the wall so I could watch. I didn’t know what I was looking at, but for the first time I felt like something wasn’t right.

The tech was having trouble getting all the pictures. Apparently, Adeline likes doing her own thing. They brought in the lead tech and she took a couple of pictures,then looked at me and asked “Do you drink Coke??” I was like “umm yeah??” I was so confused why she was asking me, then she explained that they needed her to move. I drank the Coke and within 5 minutes Adeline had done a flip. It was so crazy to see how fast caffeine can go through your system!

After about a hour, they got all the pictures that they needed. They put me in a conference room to wait to talk to the doctor. 45 minutes went by and the doctor walks in. He was like “Are you by yourself?” I explained that my husband was out of town.

He said “Well… your baby’s missing the middle wall of her heart. It’s called an AV Canal Defect. The heart is also on the wrong side. This is called dextracardia. I suspect that she may have a diaphragmatic hernia and that’s why the heart is on the wrong side. She also has a two vessel cord and she’s missing one of her fetal circulatory pathways, called the ductus venosus.  Your placenta also didn’t develop correctly, for you have what’s called a velamentous cord insertion. Most pregnancies with this either end in stillborn or a C-Section at 35 weeks. With everything else going on there is a high probability that the baby has either Down Syndrome, Williams syndrome or some other genetic disorder. We can do one of two things… An amniocentesis, which is invasive and may cause a spontaneous abortion, but you would know if the baby has a syndrome. Or we can draw some labs and send them for genetic testing. The labs aren’t a conclusive test, but the amnio is. It is up to you?” I sat there like a cold statue. He looked at me and said “You are taking this well.” I looked at him and said “I”m a pediatric nurse and I know what everything you are telling me means…”

I decided to do be blood work. At the time I just wanted an answer, I wanted to know what to prepare for. I held it together until I walked out of the office doors and I lost it. All my biggest fears as a pediatric nurse are now my reality. I called Lawson and told him the news, he was able to leave his work trip to come home to be with me. I spent the rest of the day in tears. I didn’t know what to hope in. Do we hope that Adeline dies inside me so she doesn’t have to endure the pain of this world? Do we hope that she makes it and suffers her whole life? Do we hope that this specialist is wrong and Adeline is going to be a miracle baby?

That evening when Lawson got home, we saw a rainbow. I looked at Lawson and told him that’s Adeline’s rainbow! The verse that came to my mind was from Revelation 21.

 “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Revelation 21:3-4

I was reminded that one day everything will be made new and the pain that we feel on this Earth will be no more. That our hope should be in God’s promises and our little Adeline, not a laundry list of things that some doctor says.